go back home

" but it's a special death you saved
for me, the brown-eyed daughter "

tuesday, 27 october 2020
long time no see. i've been working on other sites and been too lazy to log on here and write about my projections. i'm still obsessed with that boy from school, even more so. we've been grouped together again. he practically chose to be part of my group. it made me feel so special, he chose my group over either of his friends. i caught him looking at me a bunch, which means he's got to know that i keep looking at him too. probably obvious to everyone around me as well. we've made accidental eye contact plenty of times. i wonder if he thinks about me, and if he does, i hope they're good thoughts. please let them be good. he's so precious, i want to hold his hand. i'm convinced his friend caught me checking him out in the cafeteria, he had to have seen me. maybe he told him about it. anyway, i actually did something more than sit in my room and daydream. i wrote him a message. the joy i felt when he replied was overwhelming, it's a shame i was out in public because that meant i had to refrain from jumping around and screaming. regardless, it was only school related. nothing personal, nothing special. i hope to see him again next week.

saturday, 3 october 2020
second entry of the day. i've done so much thinking about him and it's driving me insane. i want him to be happy, but i want him to be happy with me. i can't stand the thought of him ending up with someone else. i know that i'll never have him, but at the same time i feel we're meant to be. as if everything in my entire life has led up to this. even tho i have all of these feelings for him, part of me knows they're not really for him. spin the wheel and whoever it lands on will be unfortunate enough to have me believe that i'm in love with them.

saturday, 3 october 2020
i'm projecting again. this time onto a guy in the music program at my school. he's a third year student, we have film and tv-production class together and were grouped for the first assignment. he's tall, blond, fair-skinned. i don't know why i haven't really realized he exists before, it's almost as if he had been invisible up until the point we first had class together. now i can't stop thinking about him. i wanted to look at him in class but all i could do was glance every now and then or it would've been weird. i think he likes drawing as well, and that he's good at it. he seems a bit reserved and serious, when we worked together he was kind to me. he did the camera work and i held the microphone, which meant i had to stand next to him a lot. i can't stop worrying about how ugly i must've looked, i'm so fucking hideous. he probably had to hold back his laughter because i'm so fucking ugly. i know he was thinking about it, he had to. he's so good looking, i know i'm not worth someone like him. i know there's no chance between us, i don't even know him. that doesn't stop me from spending hours imagining what he's like, what we would be like together. doesn't stop me from projecting my unhealthy obsessive ideals onto him. i need to stop but i can't. just wanna be fucking normal. i couldn't keep a straight face when my friends and i were walking to the school entrance and i saw him with his friends in the cafeteria. i had to walk past him, he probably noticed how i started giggling like a stupid kid and grabbing onto my friend's arm. why do i have to be so weird all the time? i need to distract myself again, i need to be all caught up and busy with a fictional character or whatever so i don't get so worked up and spend all this energy on a real person who doesn't need me fixating on them. he probably has a girlfriend, it wouldn't surprise me. i hate being messed up. i can't tell what feelings are real and what feelings are made up delusions that i convince myself are true. i don't know why exactly i'm like this, but it has to be related to my trauma. something fucked me up, something caused me to be wired wrong. i want to be fixed so badly. help, i need help with getting over it. i need help with becoming normal, someone has to fix me so that i can live a somewhat normal life. what's wrong with me? why am i so focused on the idea of falling in love? please make it stop. i can't stop thinking about how i just want to be held close and cherished, and how i want to do the same. i want to put my arms around someone and make them feel loved. i have so much love to give. i'd kill for that connection. please, universe, please give me someone to love and care for. equally returned love.

thursday, 1 october 2020
look at me being dumb and updating my site in the middle of the night instead of going to sleep at a reasonable time. i have to talk about my feelings, i have to. i hate keeping them bottled up and i hate feeling like a freak for having them in the first place. it's just that this was always "unknown territory" or whatever you'd call it until i turned maybe 10? before that, i never had feelings for anyone. and even at that point i didn't feel anything special for people in my personal life. just celebrities i'd never get the chance to meet. since i came to terms with the fact that i'm able to be romantically interested in people, i still haven't been able to normalize these thoughts for myself. i feel like an alien. i'm not supposed to be thinking about this stuff, so obsessively, so desperately. i want to talk to my friends about all of these things, just to see if i'm alone with this. i'm 16, soon to be 17, and i still haven't ever been close to being in a relationship. never come close to having a boyfriend or girlfriend. at age 11 is when i realized i was interested in girls as well, and only last year is when i accepted it. i hated myself for not being normal. i still would never be able to have a girlfriend. i'll stick to tradition, follow what's seen as the norm. when it comes to girls i can only feel physical attraction in the sense of acknowledging that someone is pretty or beautiful. there's no emotional connection. i don't have elaborate daydreams about being in love with girls. with boys, that's a whole different story. i spend most of, if not all of my time thinking about boys. i want a boyfriend so fucking bad. it's pathetic. i'm so disgustingly needy. all of my standards, my expectations. i want a boyfriend who would tower over me, but not as in being all macho and muscular. i want him to be everyone i've ever been infatuated with all mixed together. soft and sweet, but at the same time, i want him to be cold and harsh. i want him to be possessive, to manhandle me, to be proud that i'm his and make sure that everyone knows it. someone who can take care of me, see to it so that i'm okay. reassure me everything will be alright. because with him in my life, it would be. i'd be so happy. i want him to hold me close and keep me safe. tell me that nothing's going to hurt me. give me dorky nicknames. tease and joke around, but never with malice. just lay in bed with me on lazy days, listening to relaxing playlists or driving around at night and blasting mindless self indulgence or kmfdm. i want him to spoon me when it's time to go to sleep. let me use his chest as a pillow. play with my hair. hold onto me and keep me warm. stay with me for as long as i need him. i've never been kissed. the furthest i've gone with a boy is a platonic hug, if you don't count getting molested on a regular basis for like two years. i'd want him to help me get over my trauma. show me that it doesn't have to be bad, not all physical interaction has to be disgusting like that. reassure me that we could go at my pace, start with the little things and make steady progress. with him, it'd all be okay. no more flinching when someone goes in for a hug, no more pulling back when someone holds my hand as a joke. i admittedly feel gross and ashamed for ever even considering getting involved with someone in that way. but it's normal right? why am i ashamed of something that is human nature? i shouldn't be embarrased but i am. these thoughts are shameful and filthy. i want to rid myself of them, i really do. but even though i am so disgusted by myself, i can't deny that i still want these things. i want to be kissed. to be loved. i want someone i love to ease me into these things, to help me overcome my issues about it all. part of me needs to go through the whole process of taking it slow, but then another part is practically demanding something. bitemarks on my neck, hands in my hair, bruises from him being so possessive and wanting to leave marks on my skin to show that i really am his. i want him to be my everything, the air i breathe. i want to be isolated from the rest of my life and have nothing else matter besides him and i. us against the world. if i had him, i wouldn't need anyone or anything else. i want him to need me. to cherish me. obsess over me. i could go on forever. the worst part about all of this is that i'll never have him.

wednesday, 30 september 2020
i want you so bad that it hurts. i can't stop thinking about how much better my life would be if i had you. i try so desperately to find someone just like you, but nobody will ever live up to what you mean to me. i can't settle for less. i want to, i know that i have to eventually. i'll never be satisfied, and knowing that feels like shit. why couldn't you just exist right here and right now? i'm begging the universe to give you to me. part of me wants to believe that you're out there and someday we'll meet, just like we're supposed to. wishful thinking. the universe has been sending me so many signs lately, maybe it's leading me to you. is it possible to manifest you? don't know, but i'm trying. i wanna do bad things with you in the dark. hold your hand in the grocery store. put my head on your shoulder on the bus. ruffle your hair, wear your shirts, listen to you talk about the things you're passionate about. take pictures so i can look at them and relive the moment. i want you to carry me from the car to the house, i want to put my face against your neck and feel how real you are. listen to music together while you trace patterns on the palms of my hands with your fingers. i want to feel so close to you, so connected. i'd make you a playlist full of the songs that remind me of you.

sunday, 27 september 2020
i'm back where i started. there's comfort in familiarity, that's why i keep getting myself into these situations. glorifying things i should find revolting. right now it's late at night, 03:23 to be exact, and i'm thinking about you. who are you? nobody. you're faceless and nonexistent yet i see you everywhere. keep asking myself when i'll be able to replace you with someone real. i imagine the feel of my hands on your chest, the soft fabric of your shirt, how your arms would embrace me and how it'd make everything okay. how grounded you could make me feel. going out at night, laying in a field on a blanket and looking at the sky. i wouldn't feel empty and alone, because of you. god i wish you were real. i want you here, with me.